dichotomy of fear

This time tomorrow night-assuming the ultrasound and labs are good-I will begin my ritual of medications. It scares me. I never imagined I would enter into a cycle scared to death. Don't mistake the fear for lack of enthusiasm and optimism or course... but I am scared.

I am scared of all the hormones and flowcharts.

I am afraid of trying so hard and hoping it works only to have it fail.

Or what if it works and I spend each grateful day walking on eggshells hoping it is progressing as it should.

I worry that even when we do succeed, I will find myself overcome with previous losses and it will overshadow the joy I should rightfully feel.

I am forever a different person. You can't go through something like this and come out the other end the same person. I have an ultrasound picture of a baby with a beating heart-one solitary picture-and then she was gone. Our second was gone so quickly we never even got to see it. The scars are real and starting another cycle tugs at those old wounds. The fear is both debilitating and a great motivator. I will not let it consume my every moment, but it pushes me towards a goal so ingrained in me that I could not imagine my existence without being a mother. Yet I am nothing like I was three and a half years ago-and I will never be able to go back there.

Tomorrow morning marks the beginning of a new possibility. I remain optimistic, realistic... and scared. This is going to take a miracle and I hope it is our turn...