Thursday, August 12, 2010

money really does make the world go 'round

Turns out it is not just a saying. Neither is "money can't buy happiness." Indirectly, money is where it all hinges. According to my doctor, the best approach to address recurrent miscarriage is with prevention. Since they cannot determine the cause of the losses, numerous meds have been added to my list from added hcg to blood thinners and progeterone in oil.

All dispense as written and all with a hefty price tag-even with insurance. Our hearts are in it, but the wallet is empty. The buck stops here...pun intended.

If only a turkey baster would work... or if I could just win that lottery.

Monday, August 2, 2010

i'm a bad blogger... and even worse at carrying a pregnancy

So after realizing the many things that have happened in this god awful infertility saga... it has only just occurred to me in my haze that I have avoided this blog for far to long. I suppose after life hands you a bunch of crap, you gotta shut down for awhile to regain some momentum-and when you regain that momentum... you get shut down again. Makes you just wanna hide.

I believe I left off with a miscarriage in February. It took about 6 weeks after the D&C to get my body back to zero hcg. The go-getter that I am went right ahead and entered into another IUI cycle. After 17 days of stims and a terrible lining to boot, this IUI was doomed from the day of insemination.

On to IUI #4... textbook cycle. Three great follicles and only 8 days of stims, with the addition of a little estrace to boost my lining... we got another positive hcg (97) but terribly low progesterone (2.9!). It was already a concern as I had what appeared to be my period 4 days prior to the beta. It was time to boost up the crinone suppositories to twice a day. Second beta at 48 hours showed a great increase in hcg (247) and progesterone bumped up to a more normal, yet low level (10.9). I was very realistic, but hopeful at that point. However, after spotting all weekend long, I asked for another beta, which revealed what I already knew... my numbers were falling. Another loss...

Where does one go when they are so open and willing, yet heartbroken and damaged. We want to continue... but are scared to death it will happen again. They joy of a positive test is now gone and has been replaced with the hope that after a positive test, can we get to 6 weeks-or 7 weeks. Each day would be a milestone, so much that I can't even think about 9 months from a positive test. I have to think about getting to tomorrow successfully. I can no longer announce joyfully to my family and friends. They cannot share in a joy that I cannot even share in. Don't get me wrong... I would love and cherish every moment of that little life inside of me. But truth is, I have to keep myself grounded... and not bring everyone on this roller coaster that is infertility. I would trade every ounce of knowledge I have gained about human anatomy, medications and diagnostic tests to be completely naive and be able to experience the exhilaration of being pregnant without counting the days, taking the meds, doing the tests and going for constant monitoring.

This journey has been so taxing. I just want it to be easy... just once...