no longer a PIO virgin

We have completed our 5th IUI as of this past Saturday. I also had my IV intralipid infusion. I have to say, the HCG injection to trigger ovulation I took on friday evening has caused great soreness to the feminine chest area. And now I am happy to say I am also no longer a progesterone in oil (PIO) virgin. The big needle was and is still scary, but the pain was minimal at injection. Icing the injection site and warming the oil with body heat made a huge difference. Hats off to Jeff who gave it a go and administered the needle. He is awesome and I am glad he can handle it so well.

However, just one hour later, I am feeling an ache sort of like if you fall on your ass-and try to get up the next morning. I can also feel the telltale knot in the muscle despite the warm compress and massage. This is gonna be fun!

The lovenox went in well also. A lot of stinging, but a smooth injection.

Another 10 days of this and I get to go see if my bHCG comes back positive. So with a stinging abdomen, sore ass and boobs, I will patiently await my test date-and play with my new iPhone :)

perfect timing

Have you ever had things go so smoothly that you wonder when something will go terribly wrong? Now that would be just plain "glass is half empty" pessimistic.

Actually, this cycle is going nearly textbook. I have several mature follicles ripe for trigger tomorrow evening with the IUI for Saturday morning. Tomorrow I will go in for a final ultrasound to see how things look, get my blood drawn, and settle in for a two hour intralipid infusion (also perfectly timed the day before IUI). I even got the expected warning from the nurse that with the number of follicles I have, there is a risk for multiples. With our track record of no luck on our own, a 50% success rate of fertilization of one egg with assisted cycles... and a 0% term pregnancy-bring it on. The more the merrier. We will cross that bridge should we come to it.

For now, I can rest easy knowing we have done everything we can to make this work. Now everybody cross their fingers and toes that one little sperm can ask for directions to find one egg.

if you want it done right...

Well, you know how it goes. I lied in my last post about being the owners of a brand new air conditioner. Well, it is a new air conditioner-and it is ours. So in retrospect, I was not lying. However, in my opinion, we will not be proud new owners until it does more than blow air around the house. They installed the air conditioner-and when it kicked on, they figured their job was done. They didn't stick around long enough to see if it actually-oh, I don't know-cooled? This place is mighty toasty in the afternoons and muggy at night. Not my favorite.

But fear not-they are coming out this Friday to finish the job.

Speaking of Friday-it looks like a busy day. The air conditioner guys will be here from 9am-11am. I know for a fact that I need to be at the doctor's office for my intralipid infusion at 1pm. That should take about 2 hours. I also have another medication delivery that should arrive between 8am and 3pm. Oh... and depending on tomorrow's ultrasound, we may be in for our IUI for that morning. Jeff was supposed to have the day off, but that fell through this morning. I hope I have a lot of good friends around here to hang out at my house when I cannot be here!

I got my intralipid information in the mail today. It is an IV infusion that has somewhat been proven useful in preventing miscarriage. It also pumps me full of liquid, fat and calories. I need more fat-and bruises on my abdomen. I look like I have been poked repeatedly in my (for no reason) expanding gut by small children. Although I know it will be worth it and I am willing to try anything at this point, I need to infuse that bit of humor in it. Otherwise, my 3 nightly injections and 4 pills will drag me down.

The lawn is finally mowed-because I did it-with a cute little push mower. I hope it doesn't grow too much before Friday. I won't have time to mow out the air conditioner again :) Actually, it is shaping up to be a nice evening. I may just go out now and re-mow it...

sucking it up

Only night two of injections and I already have a nice black and blue mark to show for it. I have also learned one of two possible things:

1. These new medications hurt a lot more going in than the last medications... or
2. I have turned into a huge wuss

I vote the latter. The menopur literally makes me cry about halfway through the injection as a dull, yet increasing throb commences, forcing me to tell myself this is crazy-because after I finish this shot, I need to immediately administer another needle into the opposite side of my stomach. Once it is over and my body begins to absorb it, I feel better. However, I can't help but think I have weakened in my ability to withstand pain. I had better get used to it. It only gets more painful every day... but so worth it.

Interestingly, one of my oral medications-dexamethasone-states on the label: May cause a whirly feeling (WTH does that mean?) as well as an increased appetite. FAN-tastic. I need a bigger appetite-and a whirly feeling. I am not sure if this headache has anything to do with the whirly thing... or if it is just a "lack-of-caffeine" thing. Again, I vote the latter.

We are also now the proud owners of a brand new air conditioning unit. I am not sure what it looks like though through the 18" high grass field that is our backyard. Baby steps.

dichotomy of fear

This time tomorrow night-assuming the ultrasound and labs are good-I will begin my ritual of medications. It scares me. I never imagined I would enter into a cycle scared to death. Don't mistake the fear for lack of enthusiasm and optimism or course... but I am scared.

I am scared of all the hormones and flowcharts.

I am afraid of trying so hard and hoping it works only to have it fail.

Or what if it works and I spend each grateful day walking on eggshells hoping it is progressing as it should.

I worry that even when we do succeed, I will find myself overcome with previous losses and it will overshadow the joy I should rightfully feel.

I am forever a different person. You can't go through something like this and come out the other end the same person. I have an ultrasound picture of a baby with a beating heart-one solitary picture-and then she was gone. Our second was gone so quickly we never even got to see it. The scars are real and starting another cycle tugs at those old wounds. The fear is both debilitating and a great motivator. I will not let it consume my every moment, but it pushes me towards a goal so ingrained in me that I could not imagine my existence without being a mother. Yet I am nothing like I was three and a half years ago-and I will never be able to go back there.

Tomorrow morning marks the beginning of a new possibility. I remain optimistic, realistic... and scared. This is going to take a miracle and I hope it is our turn...

"iced" coffee and cycle day one

So I came home Thursday afternoon and found our lawn had finally been mowed... but wait! Only the front had been done. They managed to make one quick pass through the field of the backyard-at which point the quitting bell must have gone off. I figured they would finish up yesterday morning. Fat chance.

So now we have a half-mowed field, 14 inch grass, no landscaping and no air conditioner. I took matters into my own hands with the air conditioner at least. That will be installed in an all day event on Tuesday. Then I can check that off of my list. Baby steps is better than nothing I suppose.

So I go to Dunkin' Donuts this morning for what has to be my eleventy-billionth iced coffee. I know how to order it and I know what to expect when I get it. This friendly server brings me my travel cup with coffee and cream and I couldn't help but notice it was missing the ice. This is better as a play by play:

Server: "Here you go!"
Me: confused..."Thanks, but there's no ice in it."
Server: not seeing a problem... "That is an iced coffee. Oh! Did you want ice in it?"
Me: "Please?"

Like I said, I have ordered many iced coffees from several different stores and several different servers. I usually-if not always-get ice in my iced coffee. Go figure This very polite server (who is not new to the job) did not remember or plan to put ice in it. No harm done. It was just an awkward situation when he responded as if I had eight heads-wondering where my ice was. It gave me a nice morning chuckle.

And to keep in theme of my blog... today is cycle day one. I am set for my early morning blood draw and-my very favorite-baseline ultrasound Tuesday. My "parts" will again, be displayed to someone approximately every other day for the next several weeks. I am quite used to it... I lost my apprehension and concern a year and a half ago.  Let the games begin-and the numerous injectable medications.

beautiful day... especially the pollen

My fertility trip has come to a screeching halt as I wait for my cycle day 1. It has given me time to revamp my blog and stew over silly little things. Allow me to share my story with you. Please pardon the frustration in this post-I am not kidding when I say I am irritated. It must be the PMS.

We recently bought a house that was built and able to be occupied in January minus some outdoor finishing touches that needed to wait for the ground to thaw. We have been patiently waiting for our sidewalk and patio to be poured, landscaping to be done as well as getting our a/c unit installed. Now I understand these things take time considering the amount of other homes being worked on currently. I just wish that they could understand that while most people are not ready to fire up their a/c units quite yet... I would kill for mine to be on right now. You see... this community also mows your lawn for you (at least that is what we were told). It seems we were overlooked when the lawn mower came by.

 

We now have ten inch tall grass with copious dandelions which leads to pollen. Naturally, it is a beautiful day out and it is stifling in the house. I do as I must and open the windows to let in some cool air and yellow pollen. 

Now I am irritated on more than one level...

My nasal passages and sinus cavities thank you, dear community, for overlooking our lawn and our air conditioning. My dog would also like to thank you. The photo above was taken a week ago before the grass was out of control. Imagine how it must be now for a little chihuahua to navigate grass that hits her in the face as she wades through it-and of course she has allergies too :)

I do appreciate a place where I am able to rant about anything. For those of you reading-I appreciate the interest in an otherwise mundane week so far.

a day off... look at my mind go

How wonderful the feeling of not having to go to work on a usual work day. It immediately makes me feel better. But what to do with my day? I do not plan on spending much time on here. After all, it is a sunny, beautiful day outside which is a leap from the normal rainy, cloudy skies with the occasional torrential downpour. You should see my backyard. If I had a basement, we would be in trouble!

My one goal for the day.... to anxiously await my medications.

Thank you to the pharmacy for the specifics.

They will be arriving anytime today and I must be here to sign for them and refrigerate as needed. I could have them delivered to anywhere and anyone could sign for them (which sounds really safe to me right? You give your address wrong or they go to the house next door to deliver and they sign without thinking to themselves: "Wait.... did I order 12 medications from a mail order pharmacy? I must have?") and you never see your meds. And there is the obsessive worrier in me coming out.

 

If it can go wrong.... it will. Great, yet pessimistic statement. If only I had coined it first... damned Murphy.

But I digress. I am terribly excited about getting my meds. It makes it all seem so much more real that we are f\giving this another shot. We had our best successes (and worst failures) through medically stimulated cycles. I can;'t deny we had a 50% success rate of conception and that is 100% better than what we have achieved on our own. That tells me we need this. I know sometimes it can happen without trying or without medical help... but we are beyond that. Numbers don't like. And tomorrow, on our wine tour, I will raise my last drunken glass of wine before our cycle begins... and toast to better possibilities ahead. 

and then no more wine:)

Off to await my medications :)

today I give thanks for...

... tomorrow being my Friday. Enough said :)

today I give thanks for...

...remembering that it was good for me to give thanks for something every day.

Oh... and thanks to my insurance company for approving my Gonal-F, Lupron and HCG. Though I did learn the Lupron is on national backorder for an unknown period of time... and they politely asked me: "Would you like us to contact your doctor and look into an alternative medication?". That would be great... considering without it, the Gonal-F will force my follicles to prematurely rupture without something to keep them in check until trigger. Duh!

Not that I said it-I just thought it :)

I actually let them know it would be fantastic if they could get this taken care of as it is kinda important. And I still give thanks for remembering this is a giving thanks post.