thank you to a lost friend from the past

Such a beautiful Autumn day. I remember being a kid and running and jumping in the huge piles of raked leaves. It seemed so much fun. But then I also remember the last Autumn I felt like a kid. It was the introduction to the death of an animal. My best friend at the time, Becky, mourned the loss of her cat that day as I watched from a distance from the leaf pile. That was the last time jumping in those colorful leaves seemed appropriate.

Becky taught me a lot in the short time I knew her. She was a proper young lady that, while I was playing in the sand and making mud pies with her little brother, she would sit on the swingset and watch so as to not get dirty. But every once in a while, she would join us in our games of "Hotel" (our verion of running an imaginary hotel in the most perfectly formed set of pine trees), "Father Bigfoot" (our play on Smurfs where we had to stay away from the evil character chasing us) and "Save the World" (a game one summer we created to keep eachother safe... when one of us needed help, the others came to the rescue with their own unique powers. Mine was a magic wand that gave people energy and it was fueled by our long driveway that served as a fantastic "river of strength"). She knew she wanted to be a dancer when she grew up and I envied her ability to dance and that she already knew what she wanted to be. We learned how to troubleshoot arguments... and found forgiveness was the most powerful moment... even for young girls such as ourselves. Beyond that, she taught me how to let go and heal.

There are those moments you look back on and you can remember the sounds of the TV and the feel of the blankets covering you like it was just yesterday. I was in my parents water bed alone watching TV most of the afternoon as Becky was off to camp cross-country skiing for the weekend. I watched Rainbow Brite, Punky Brewster, and Fame. The preview of the news after Fame was over said a 9 year old girl had died. I remember thinking to myself "I wonder if I know her?" I waited to hear the news story out of curiosity... and once I heard her name, I hid under the covers and plugged my ears so hard, I can still remember the pain. Everyone said I was so strong-such an adult young lady. I barely cried and was back in school days after it happened.

 

I look back at our final summer together and I now see how important "Save the World" was to us. We tried so hard in our imaginary ways to keep everything safe and happy-and it always worked. I so wished I could use my powers for real. We were forever changed that winter and come the following summer, no imaginary games were played. We did try, but our young minds and hearts grew up that year and we now knew what adult fears and responsibilites were. Nothing was ever the same. I may have seemed to adjust well, but only I knew the truth. I was obsessed by it. I re-enacted the layout of the funeral home with legos and imagined I could see her in the clouds. In my teens, I spent hours by her grave talking to her as if she were right there with me. I shut down from nearly everything in fear I would lose more and I simply could not handle that. Her loss permeated everything I did. It was many years before I realized that life was not fulfilling when you don't allow others in. But it was a long journey to get there.

I never thought I would find any silver lining, nor did I think this story had a place in this blog. I don't like to think things happen for a reason every time (what the hell reason would there be to let a 9 year old die?), but I do think that she has stayed with me these past nearly 24 years and the lessons and coping skills I gained with her help gives me some solace as to why it happened. If her death shaped me into who I am today... I imagine she affected every person she touched in their own way.

My journey today to have a child has been a challenge and I won't lie-it has reduced me to tears on more than one occasion, but I think I am strong because of my past. She has helped me learn to cope and take nothing for granted, especially those around us. She came into my mind today during my two week wait for a reason. I believe she is still doing her part to stay alive with me... and I thank her for that...