where did "me" go?

I have been thinking about the past several weeks and thinking to myself that I feel like I am standing outside of a box looking in at myself. So many things have changed so quickly that I simply don't know myself right now and I am simply so far out of my comfort zone that I don't have the capability of processing it all and getting back to "me" again. I am fully aware that this journey can leave one a changed person-raw, sometimes empty and at a loss of where to go next. There is yearning to go back into that box... the one where I was "normal" and nothing was broken-including but not limited to our physical inadequacies and spirits. It seemed easier and more innocent there... I knew who I was and where I wanted to go. My dreams were clear and I didn't lose sleep over choices I had to make and figuring out where we would get the money for the next procedure. My life wasn't based on my cycles-and it certainly wasn't based on keeping track of when to take my next pill or give myself my next injection.



I layed on that table in the sterile doctor's office and let a nurse insert a speculum, shine a spotlight on the event in front of her, and inject the sample into my uterus. This event should have taken placed in private-with 2 participants-one NOT being a stranger with a spotlight and a catheter. I feel robbed of the most natural and basic rights we should have had-and that leaves me raw.

It's funny I feel like I am outside looking in, because Jeff has felt the same way. At least we are in this together. I know we can never go back to before. We are different people because of this and hopefully in the future, we will be able to find ourselves in this mess and will come out the other side stronger for it.