Sunday, July 17, 2011

how to move on

A couple of weeks ago, I figured I would get into contact with some local as well as national adoption agencies. I am now just starting to get information in the mail. It is a small relief we have options...but it is so emotionally charged that I find myself in tears on more than several occasions throughout the day-every day. The prospect of says goodbye to a biological child that I would have that connection right from conception-to feel it grow inside of me and be something that we made is heartbreaking. The pain feels nearly equal to losing a family member. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom-and although there are many ways to be a mom outside of the traditional sense, it appears I may have a long way to go in this journey to accept that next step.

I started this blog to chronicle our journey to having a family. I started this post with the intention of this being my final post in the belief that this chapter is over. However ready-or not ready-this is a new chapter-this is still our story of becoming a family and I will continue to document it. It may be morphing into something completely different, but we are still heading towards that same outcome. We want a family-it will come to us in some way. I just think we need the time to step away from it, to mourn our loss. We were always given bits of optimism and hope by those around us. Turns out, sometimes those bits of optimism may to amount to enough to get you through it. I have to let go and it is quickly proving to be the single most difficult thing I have had to come to terms with.

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