little ticker

Today I am staring at my nice little ticker. It says "Day 29 of a 29 day cycle. A home test may work today!" Although I do appreciate the confidence "little ticker" has to offer since optimism is terribly important... it taunts me. Not only do I know this cycles outcome, but it also makes me want to run out and pee on something. I am quite proud of myself for having not peed on anything since my positive OPK for this cycle. That takes restraint in my position. But I am noticing that every cycle makes me feel less needy of the pacifying ways of the HPT.

I remember graduating from the obsessive temping every day of my cycle. I would wake up at the same time each day just to temp. I soon realized that temping is a crappy wake up call - pun intended - to a day. I nixed that part of my morning regime many months ago.

It seems odd to not need these litmus tests to track my fertility. I can't decide if it is that I am simply confident I know my cycle and do not need daily reminders... or is it that I just can't take the daily reminders anymore and I have submitted to knowing this will not happen on our own. That step was one of the hardest to take... knowing we need help. Optimism is far less frequent, so the next best thing is to divert the attention. The less I focus on it... the less it eats at me.