how to move on

A couple of weeks ago, I figured I would get into contact with some local as well as national adoption agencies. I am now just starting to get information in the mail. It is a small relief we have options...but it is so emotionally charged that I find myself in tears on more than several occasions throughout the day-every day. The prospect of says goodbye to a biological child that I would have that connection right from conception-to feel it grow inside of me and be something that we made is heartbreaking. The pain feels nearly equal to losing a family member. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom-and although there are many ways to be a mom outside of the traditional sense, it appears I may have a long way to go in this journey to accept that next step.

I started this blog to chronicle our journey to having a family. I started this post with the intention of this being my final post in the belief that this chapter is over. However ready-or not ready-this is a new chapter-this is still our story of becoming a family and I will continue to document it. It may be morphing into something completely different, but we are still heading towards that same outcome. We want a family-it will come to us in some way. I just think we need the time to step away from it, to mourn our loss. We were always given bits of optimism and hope by those around us. Turns out, sometimes those bits of optimism may to amount to enough to get you through it. I have to let go and it is quickly proving to be the single most difficult thing I have had to come to terms with.

now what?

Soooo tired of trying soooo hard. I know I am not the first person who has had a failed cycle and I certainly will not be the last. As a matter of fact, things could be soooo much worse. I quietly mourn my trivial shortcomings to avoid burdening people with them-or simply avoid the possibility that I will lose friends with my downright crappy mood and overall attitude.

The nurse told me over the phone to give them a call when my cycle starts again and they will get me in right away to do another set of meds. I said ok, but I didn't mean it for crap. We are at the end of the line. My options are to either find the excessive amount of money to move onto IVF, find the excessive amount of money for adoption... or submit to a childless life with dogs as my companions. The latter is not my favorite choice-but quite honestly, it may very well be the only option. We are not financially able to pay for more advanced procedures or adoption. Hell, I can't even find a job that yields more than a minimum wage position in take home pay. It is disgusting and depressing and it is taking its toll on me.

FYI-should I ever try again, I will never, ever touch a first response test again. My apologies to that company as they usually have accurate results with most people. I, on the other hand, always get a second line-ALWAYS. Great for leading on an already suggestible brain.

Remember that thing about every cloud having a silver lining-my cloud again comes with lightning...and lots of it. Hooray for pessimism. Time to take a step back from the journey, the blog, and obsessing about things I cannot have. I need a drink before this gets out of hand...

the insanity begins

So I have peed on 3 sticks (one each morning for the last 3 days) to test out my trigger. It is a general rule that by 10 days past trigger, the HCG should no longer be present... although some believe it can take up to 12 days to fully metabolize out depending on the person. Wednesday it was faint and took nearly 5 minutes to show up. Yesterdays took even longer and was a bit fainter still. Todays came up within the three minute time frame and is slightly darker than the last two. I must pat myself on the back because I am keeping a semi-level head about this because:

1. 1) I used a different brand test, even though it had the same sensitivity. It may not be accurate and certainly cannot be compared to a different brand test.
2. 2) If my body has not metabolized all of the HCG out, this could easily be remaining trigger.
3. 3) Even if it is a true positive, we all know where they tend to head. The excitement and joy that comes from a positive test just doesn't exist when every day can lead to a different outcome. One day at a time is all I can deal with.

I will mention though that my trigger was well out of my system by this time last month... and the speed at which the line showed this time was also a little promising. I also cannot ignore the odd uterine cramping two days ago and the unusual "electric" sensations in "the girls" (if you know what I mean)-which I had with both of the other successful cycles. It is just starting to feel that way again. The only true test? To wait and test again.

This is where the insanity begins...

strangely familiar

I have been experiencing odd pains in my abdomen, similar to the last, well... 2 time we managed to conceive. The feeling is both reassuring and terrifying. I am reassured in that it renews my hope that we perhaps, maybe, possibly succeeded this time. It makes me feel like we have a fighting chance. However, it is also frightening in that my hope is renewed and I am filled with a sense of peace that we perhaps, maybe, possibly succeeded this time. I know right?

Trying the keep a level head while getting swallowed up in the mind of an "obsessed in getting pregnant mind" is a delicate balance I rarely achieve. Either I submit to the statistic game and figure my fate is sealed...or I hype myself up to the point of no return analyzing every feeling-every twinge, cramp, pain-thinking it is more than it may actually be.

Oh middle ground... where are you?

Oh well-I can kill some time by peeing on a stick. I know I have one around here somewhere :)