a long hiatus... and yet another loss

I have returned back to blogging to notice I have two followers to date. Yay me! I had no followers when I left. That is a 200% increase. However, it saddens me I have been gone so long without an ounce of an update. Must get a start on that...

We last left off with the laparoscopy/hysteroscopy. Lots of fun... little answers. Next step: wait for the next cycle to begin. That started on December 28th, 2009 without fail. The cycle brought three beautiful follicles that were maturing right on target followed by the IUI with the fantastic news of 95 million good sperm after the wash.

The god of fertility shined on us once again that cycle with a faint positive beta of 15 on January 27th, 2010 and a repeat beta on January 29th revealing a beta of 49. We were pregnant for the very first time after 26 failed cycles. We were on top of the world! The first ultrasound at 6w1d showed a perfect gestational sack and a beta came back at 6630. The second ultrasound at 7w2d showed a little heartbeat and little bean measuring 6w5d. No blood was drawn as everything looked right on target... in retrospect, I wish I had requested it regardless.

Our 8w1d ultrasound revealed no growth and no heartbeat... nothing was meant to be easy-and this was no exception. We faced the difficult decision of letting it happen naturally or have the D&C to ease the lengthy physical recovery, in the end opting for the D&C in an effort to get the tissue tested and to possibly offer some consolation in a more hasty recovery. The emotional aspects do not heal as readily... I spent a full week out of work practically living in bed watching television. It was the only place I felt safe enough to exist. Once I returned to work, things slowly improved, but are still not up to par. I have gone through the gamut of emotions... from disbelief, to sadness, to anger and even guilt. Questions and what-ifs still haunt every day.

We have decided to start trying as soon as my cycle begins again, both because we do not want to wait and because this is what we feel is best for us to move on. The memory and the stigma of this miscarriage will remain strong, and nothing will ever, ever replace the little one we never had the chance to meet... but we want to use what has happened to make us stronger and learn from it. It will forever be in my heart and in my mind.