patiently waiting

I am patiently awaiting my blood test results-patiently because I am prepared for what the results probably are. That's the thing about this. You need to be one step ahead at all times. You need to work on the current cycle while planning for the next month. I have medications for if this cycle succeeds and medications for if I need to start all over again next month. Most of my medications are mail order and need to be ordered well in advance to be sure they  are here when I need them. Inevitably, I will waste medications because some will not get used. I have been told by family to not think it has failed, but I need to in order to be ready for the next month. It is the way the cycle goes.  There is no down time in between to contemplate unless you are ok with skipping a cycle.

I could wait a month and start again after a full cycle, thus eliminating the need to purchase new medications prior to the end of a previous cycle... but then I waste the med I had to open for one injection this past cycle. Once opened, it lasts 30 days. If I skip this next cycle, that med gets trashed-and the Gonal-F is a pricey medication to throw away.

Once the results are in, we will give it one more try this month. My body cannot take more than that, both physically and emotionally... but mostly emotionally. The physical pain will go away, but the mental toll is different. Every month is a failure and I cannot keep coming back to fail. It is too expensive and fruitless. We are contemplating the next step-most likely adoption-which poses its own set of unique risks that we need to work through. Money, time waiting, preparations, home visits, classes... and in the end, you have a beautiful baby that at any time until final papers are signed, could be taken away from you. Scary to think about.

But I wait for results... patiently. More to come.