forgive the depression...

... but I think two things have started within me. We are at cycle day one on our final IUI cycle. Great to have a fresh new cycle, but scary to think of where we go next if it fails. I desperately want this to work and I thought that after 6 cycles, we would be a complete family. Adoption is weighing more heavily in our thoughts and through my research, I came across a poem about mourning the loss of a biological child never to be met. Naturally, it made me cry because those words, although I could not write them so well... say exactly how it feels:

Today I close the door of the nursery

I have kept for you in my heart.

This is from the book, "Children of Open Adoption" It is for the unborn child of an infertile couple.

I can no longer stand in its doorway.

I have waited for you there so long.

I cannot forever live on the periphery of the dream world we share,

and you cannot enter my world.

I have fought to bring you across the threshold of conception & birth. I have fought time, doctors,devils and God almighty. I am weary and there is no victory.

Other children may someday live in my  heart but never in your place.

I can never hold you. I can never really let you go. But I must go on.

The unborn are forever trapped within the living but it is unseemly

for the living to be trapped forever by the unborn.

© E. Van Clef

It is hard to shift from wanting to share in the creation of something by two people in love that will have his ears and your mouth, the baby you will bond with for 9 months in the womb and bring into the world in a moment that words cannot describe. I mourn the possible loss of that connection-especially as we get close to the medical end. It will all be up to fate as to whether or nor-or even how our family grows from here. I know we both have love to give to any child... it is just a matter of saying goodbye to some things once dear to my heart and replacing it with new dreams. 

Just wanted to start thinking about the possibilities we could have a month from now. It could be exciting after all. Closing this entry with hope for this cycle, and realism that it will go as it needs.