time for a change

I feel like I am in a rut-and it didn't really take long either. Must be infertility is like riding a bike... no matter how long it has been, you get right back onto it as if you never stopped. I have a perpetual infertility hangover.

Maybe if I say "infertility" enough, I might realize I have it and move onto other, more achievable goals like a nice cross-stitch or refinishing a piece of old furniture... or piloting a jumbo airliner.

Not yet though. I have been cursed with this need to be persistent. I just can't seem to give up. Just because my uterus doesn't care... doesn't mean I don't. I told a friend recently that if I don't joke about it, I will lose my mind. And that is no joke. It hurts terribly. I see all the happily pregnant women around me (and believe me, it is plentiful at work currently) and immediately feel the pangs of anxiety, jealousy, longing... and curiosity. It is as if after a certain period of time, you begin to stare-and I mean stare-at pregnant bellies with both awe and amazement. I want to ask them what it feels like as they grow and stir and kick. I want to kneel down and rest my head on that belly and feel what they feel. And yes, I realize this is the type of behavior I would hope people around me would not do should I be fortunate enough to ever stay pregnant. However... I easily resist the urge to act on such unusual desires so as to not worry my coworkers and creep out the pregnant women.

I am on cycle day 9 right now and in the position to decide to take our less traditional approach and give that one more college try... or abandon it completely and commence the arduous process of obtaining numerous medications amounting to an excess of $500 with insurance benefits-and crawling back to the fertility center beginning next cycle. Obviously this cost does not include the $25 copay for each and every very early morning visit during monitoring (ah yes... the special ultrasound) and any other incurred expenses. I have yet to mention this maniacal plan to the husband... perhaps I may want to bring it up at dinner soon.

As for the title of the post... I need to simplify and clean my mind up. That includes my blog. I want to go with a less cluttered layout and new blog name. Somehow I need to center myself and get out of this busy, hectic and overwhelmed situation. It really is time for a change-and a glass of wine before bed...