the dog days are over

So with careful consideration and good timing-and a very convincing argument I might add-we are headed down the 5th IUI route. I am very excited... which is a HUGE change from the downright mediocre "I could care less" attitude that each cycle has brought lately. I just lost my enjoyment of it and spent more time being cautious than I did optimistic. The break from fertility treatment since August of last year was needed. The dog days are over (a nice upbeat new song as well as a better outlook). I am refreshed and renewed and ready to take it on...

...almost. Did I forget to mention my new laundry list?

Gonal-f RFF Pen

Leuprolide 2 week kit

Prenatal Vitamin-Duet DHA

Crinone 8%

Zithromax

HCG 10,000 U Vials 10000 units

Menopur 75 IU

Lovenox

Progesterone in Oil

Only a few right? I also suspect an estrogen supplement will also be added at a later time. Some of these are no stranger to me while others are uncharted territory. They are designed to stimulate follicles and suppress ovulation, thin the blood, trigger when appropriate, keep free of infection, and ultimately sustain a possible implantation-aka-prevent miscarriage (something else I am no stranger to anymore). They are delivered orally, vaginally, subcutaneously and via a monstrous needle that gets jammed into a muscle daily, dependent on the med.

Yes, I do have anxiety over this newest addition of the big needle. I was prescribed it before, but went with the less painful, yet messy approach. Those of you who have been there know what I am talking about. Generally if  a med is not administered by needle, it is administered as a "suppository" in a place not intended to have it.

I am going to be hopped up on so many drugs, my hormones aren't going to know which way is up. My apologies in advance to those who fall in my path while I am on these meds. A special shout out to all the nurses I work with who offered to give me the big needle injection daily in the past. I fully intend to take you all up on that in an effort to get it done fast, right, and without emotionally scarring the Husband by inflicting the task on him.

But I digress. On to a 5th cycle with high hopes... and cautious optimism :)

time for a change

I feel like I am in a rut-and it didn't really take long either. Must be infertility is like riding a bike... no matter how long it has been, you get right back onto it as if you never stopped. I have a perpetual infertility hangover.

Maybe if I say "infertility" enough, I might realize I have it and move onto other, more achievable goals like a nice cross-stitch or refinishing a piece of old furniture... or piloting a jumbo airliner.

Not yet though. I have been cursed with this need to be persistent. I just can't seem to give up. Just because my uterus doesn't care... doesn't mean I don't. I told a friend recently that if I don't joke about it, I will lose my mind. And that is no joke. It hurts terribly. I see all the happily pregnant women around me (and believe me, it is plentiful at work currently) and immediately feel the pangs of anxiety, jealousy, longing... and curiosity. It is as if after a certain period of time, you begin to stare-and I mean stare-at pregnant bellies with both awe and amazement. I want to ask them what it feels like as they grow and stir and kick. I want to kneel down and rest my head on that belly and feel what they feel. And yes, I realize this is the type of behavior I would hope people around me would not do should I be fortunate enough to ever stay pregnant. However... I easily resist the urge to act on such unusual desires so as to not worry my coworkers and creep out the pregnant women.

I am on cycle day 9 right now and in the position to decide to take our less traditional approach and give that one more college try... or abandon it completely and commence the arduous process of obtaining numerous medications amounting to an excess of $500 with insurance benefits-and crawling back to the fertility center beginning next cycle. Obviously this cost does not include the $25 copay for each and every very early morning visit during monitoring (ah yes... the special ultrasound) and any other incurred expenses. I have yet to mention this maniacal plan to the husband... perhaps I may want to bring it up at dinner soon.

As for the title of the post... I need to simplify and clean my mind up. That includes my blog. I want to go with a less cluttered layout and new blog name. Somehow I need to center myself and get out of this busy, hectic and overwhelmed situation. It really is time for a change-and a glass of wine before bed...

I just can't trust anything

Turns out false positives can happen.... repeatedly. Not only did my beta turn out to be 0 (not that I expected otherwise given my period made a grand, yet very late entrance that morning). Lessons learned:

1) DO NOT, under any circumstances, test prior to after you are late.
2) DO NOT take a urine test at face value
3) Expect that your doctor may possibly think you are crazy

That last one is speculation... but I am sure that if she were not profiting off of my visit... she would most likely tell me to stop bothering her.

Sadly, I am on to yet another cycle. Even worse, I have no freaking idea what number cycle this is. It could be my 30th... or my 100th. Does it really matter at this point? It makes no difference anymore. So as I drink my glass of wine... I toast a cheer to yet another cycle failed, another notch on the bedpost, and another cycle yet to come I need to try and find the strength to work at.

Karma... what the hell did I ever do wrong?

back again... with hesitancy

Hey look! I am still here, silent as ever. Since my last update, we have moved into a new home (finally) and abandoned assisted fertility methods completely. But even on our own, we managed to have what I believe was a successful conception-which promptly ended with a normal timed cycle day one on Christmas Eve... what used to be my favorite holiday. I couldn't say I was shocked at the outcome of course.

From that point on, we just didn't think about it. We couldn't think about it. Until this past cycle...

We opted for a more non traditional home-based method combined with a round of clomid. I fully expect my cycle day one to make it's token appearance as the spotting began 2 days ago. However, this spotting is not regular spotting. So being that this is 14 days past ovulation and I needed to quell the inner POAS monster, I tested.

Please do not be fooled-I have been religiously peeing on stick for several days now, sometimes several times a day. It should be classified as a medical illness by now. This is my nemesis...

Strangely, after staring at this pretty little test imagining it laughing at me... I saw a very faint second line. Naturally this prompted me to use three more in succession to see if the results were similar. That they were. A terribly little faint line that a average person would not take a second glance (although I did have the husband confirm the is something to be seen there). FYI-digital tests will still tell you "not pregnant" at this point-yes, I tried (and now I wasted my only digital test!). After the initial pounding heartbeat subsided, I have settled into a waiting pattern. Not only have I run out of tests, but obviously I need to wait for the dreaded cycle day one... or a darker line. I am beginning to remember why we had to stop trying so hard in the first place. It is all consuming.

The waiting is the worst... but at least I have a semi level head about it. You can be sure I will be back with another update as to the end of this story.