today i give thanks for...

...an incredibly understanding and supportive husband-otherwise our journey would be so much harder to bear.

my decision

I have chosen to give myself the honor of being called a mother, if only in my heart. I will not shout it from the mountaintops or expect to celebrate Mother's Day like many would. In my heart, where my baby's memory lives, is where I will celebrate. After all, we worked so hard to get this far. That little one deserves to be remembered by those who wanted it in their arms. This is why it hurts so much-because we loved so much...

late night philosophical pondering

Some people believe you are a mother from the moment of conception while others thinks of it as once the child is born. Can I consider myself a mother even though I had the honor of carrying for 8 short weeks? I feel like I do not deserve the title since I have little to show... but at the same time I feel like I would be denying the life we created if I didn't.

It is a conundrum to which I just cannot decide yet. Must grieve and heal more...

ovarian cysts and useless blood draws

Before I get into my appointment at the RE this morning, I would like to welcome you to cycle 28. Yes... hell froze over just after my last post. My cycle began in full force Friday morning.

My appointment at the RE was less than stellar. They drew blood, then did my ultrasound. On a positive note, the uterine lining is fabulous. Pending a good look at the ovaries, I would be in the clear for my IUI cycle #3. Then she took a look at the left ovary with a cyst that rivals a small planet.

And at that, my cycle will be delayed. I am now on birth control pills for 2 weeks at which point they will check things out again to see if we can get the go-ahead then. This brings 2 thoughts:

1. Birth control seems terribly counter productive... but hell, who am I to object to shrinking the monstrous cyst faster.
2. I want to put in a formal request to do the ultrasound first.... THEN the blood draw. After all, they will call you with the blood results later anyway. what harm can it do to check to see if the parts are in order before drawing a pint or two right?

Please pardon my cynicism... I just feel I have to get the evil out before my body will once again be in working order. And if I hear to old adage "It will happen when you least expect it" or "Don't think about it" one more time...

this is the song that doesn't end...

...yes it goes on and on my friend. Everyone join in! I recall the song well from my younger years. I can't even remember who sings it... thinking Shari Lewis and Lambchop? But I digress.

I have come to the realization that it feels like while the world around me is screaming by me, I am still moving in slow motion. My day goes on forever as I sit in limbo waiting... and waiting. For a person like myself who has been fortunate to have a regular cycle every month, the waiting for a new cycle is excruciating. Every sign or symptom-every cramp or sore body part to me is an indicator day one is right around the corner. But it is all just my body continuing to revert to "0" and normalcy. Granted my hcg has been lowering fantastically (from 769 to 335 in just two days and then to 27 six days later), I fear it will hover at the elusive "above 5" until hell freezes over... at least that is what it feels like.

To top it off, my trouble sleeping that began at about 5 weeks along did not disappear with the pregnancy. That has worsened to a level of insomnia now where I do not sleep for more than an hour before waking, tossing and turning, dozing off for another hour- to repeat it all over again for the entire night. My kingdom for an Ambien.

Off to take my melatonin-the all natural equivalent to Ambien...

a long hiatus... and yet another loss

I have returned back to blogging to notice I have two followers to date. Yay me! I had no followers when I left. That is a 200% increase. However, it saddens me I have been gone so long without an ounce of an update. Must get a start on that...

We last left off with the laparoscopy/hysteroscopy. Lots of fun... little answers. Next step: wait for the next cycle to begin. That started on December 28th, 2009 without fail. The cycle brought three beautiful follicles that were maturing right on target followed by the IUI with the fantastic news of 95 million good sperm after the wash.

The god of fertility shined on us once again that cycle with a faint positive beta of 15 on January 27th, 2010 and a repeat beta on January 29th revealing a beta of 49. We were pregnant for the very first time after 26 failed cycles. We were on top of the world! The first ultrasound at 6w1d showed a perfect gestational sack and a beta came back at 6630. The second ultrasound at 7w2d showed a little heartbeat and little bean measuring 6w5d. No blood was drawn as everything looked right on target... in retrospect, I wish I had requested it regardless.

Our 8w1d ultrasound revealed no growth and no heartbeat... nothing was meant to be easy-and this was no exception. We faced the difficult decision of letting it happen naturally or have the D&C to ease the lengthy physical recovery, in the end opting for the D&C in an effort to get the tissue tested and to possibly offer some consolation in a more hasty recovery. The emotional aspects do not heal as readily... I spent a full week out of work practically living in bed watching television. It was the only place I felt safe enough to exist. Once I returned to work, things slowly improved, but are still not up to par. I have gone through the gamut of emotions... from disbelief, to sadness, to anger and even guilt. Questions and what-ifs still haunt every day.

We have decided to start trying as soon as my cycle begins again, both because we do not want to wait and because this is what we feel is best for us to move on. The memory and the stigma of this miscarriage will remain strong, and nothing will ever, ever replace the little one we never had the chance to meet... but we want to use what has happened to make us stronger and learn from it. It will forever be in my heart and in my mind.