my realization

As I enter into my 22nd cycle in the seemingly relentless and never-ending journey towards having a child... things are just now starting to come into perspective. During this journey, many emotions have been felt - and many assumptions have been disproved. Since we are so far into our journey with no history recorded, I will attempt to make a brief synopsis of the events that have transpired:

Jeff and I got married on September 22nd, 2007 at which time we knew we wanted kids, but were not quite ready to start at that time. Within a few months, although we did not discuss it, the birth control was no longer a priority by January 2008. I thought perhaps that first month would have worked for us. Clearly, but much to my surprise, it did not. That is where it all started...

The excitement begins as we decide it is time to start trying. I join a site that helps me track my cycle (which I know like the back of my hand today) and I get a lot of support and advice from others who have been trying for several months (who naively felt sorry for and simply could not imagine being in their shoes). I diligently chart and temp and record every sign my body gives me from a twinge here to a headache there. My OPK and temps point to my ovulation day perfectly and the first thing I learn is that I am fortunate enough to have a clear and consistent cycle nearly every month.

Three cycles pass and I am still oddly shocked it has not worked...

Cycle six comes and goes. I sadly graduate to the thread on my fertility site designated for those trying six months or more. This is the threshold where everyone is told if all is well they "should" be pregnant by. I am now more humbled and less shocked each month that test shows negative.

At cycle nine, I am humbled, but still in the running. After all, it can take up to a year for some couples. We still have a chance. But I can't help but cry each time my cycle greets me.

Enter lucky cycle thirteen. This is the cycle that marks one full year of trying. Now we have become a statistic... we are infertile. Doctor visits and specialist appointments confirm this. I have what appears to be a blocked left tube revealed by an HSG. Jeff's count is good, but morphology (93% abnormally formed... yuck) and motility are lacking terribly. We are told his numbers could be off due to his uncontrolled diabetes. This gives us something to work towards... getting healthy and improving our odds. My battery of tests leads us to one blocked tube-but one clear one. Not all bad I suppose.

Cycle 14 to current has been dedicated to getting Jeff's diabetes in a good place which thankfully we have done. But just as one thing is addressed, another one arises. Back when Jeff was a teenager, he had trouble with his testicles. The doctors were able to alleviate his pain back then without any surgery and he was sent home with the advice to take ibuprofen when the pain returns. Over 20 years later, he is still self-medicating this chronic pain and he spends more time in pain than not. Just a couple weeks ago, he goes to the doctor and he finally gets an ultrasound which reveals a varicocele. Not only can this affect fertility, but it can also be the root of his chronic pain. I am thrilled to hear there is a fix for his pain, but at the same time disheartened. Even after a procedure to fix it... fertility may not return. Only time and a repeat SA for him will tell the tale. The negative tests are so expected now that after an evening of mourning another lost cycle, I pick myself up and dust myself off.

Never did I expect to know what charting and clomid was. I am shocked at what I know now about HSG, SA, IUI (with and without injectables) and IVF... lots of letters that most people never need to think about. It is a painful and costly road we are on.

So that brings us to today. We are now actively pursuing the fantastic medical intervention called IUI. Our visit on Sept. 21st will be the start of what we hope to be the answer we need to close this journey. My realization is that this is our journey and no one else's. This has been given to us to grow as people and be better for it. I cannot spend my time feeling sorry for myself and being angry at how things are not progressing. We will be better parents for it.

On to the next cycle, one cycle closer to the one where all the points converge perfectly and the miracle of conception will happen.