cautious optimism with a side of fear

My first and second IUI consisted of 9 days of stimulation followed by progesterone suppositories for the second part of the cycle. This cycle is already on day 15 of stimulation and the prospect of intramuscular progesterone daily scares the hell out of me. The IUI is finally forecasted for Thursday or Saturday given the dominant follicle is nearly 18mm and 2-3 are close behind.

Lord knows I will stick with whatever I need to do to maintain my own version of comfort, sanity, and sense of self-control of an otherwise uncontrollable situation... but the drugs are beginning to physically make me exhausted, nauseous and bloated. Emotionally, I continue to focus on the end result with a fantastic set of follicles developing. On the flip side, I am still scared to death that even if we are fortunate enough to conceive this time... will my body fail me again? Chromosomal reports revealed a perfect 46XX karyotype-meaning a perfect girl. Now I know there is the chance that the sample analyzed is of my own tissue and not of the embryo, but it is all I have left to cling on of my baby. It is all that remains from what all seems like a dream now. I think there is some comfort in believing that heartbeat belonged to our little girl.

The heart is willing and the body ready. I just need to find the confidence and positive attitude...

just how many is too many?

So after getting the go-ahead to take the fun injectibles, my last appointment yielded a hefty possible 11 follicles. Although they are all 6-8mm right now and need to get much larger before being in the final follicle count, the truth is, all 11 could choose to grow - and that is bad. No RE in their right mind would throw caution to the wind and give an IUI to someone with 11 potentials for fertilization. Now this would be fantastic for an IVF cycle, but there is no possible way we will ever be able to swing the cost of one of those (but we did enter to win a free IVF cycle, just on the off-chance our luck shifts).

It feels like the hurdles continue to be put in front of me. First the miscarriage, then the cyst-and now too many follicles! Things certainly were more expected and normal pre-drugs and pre-conception. The one thing that is constant now is the frustration. My estrogen is too low, forcing higher FSH to be needed-and with higher FSH comes the possibility of too many follicles maturing. The conundrum...

I hope tomorrows early morning appointment gives some positive news and shows 3-5 strong follicles and the others have taken a back seat.