waiting for the end... or beginning

The first week of this all natural, no preservative cycle was excruciating. I never expected the emotional retaliation i would get by ignoring the medicines and monitoring. It felt like withdrawal that comes with an addiction.

The second week brought renewed hope and energy. I realized if I sit back and wallow in poor odds and unlikely success... the cycle would be even more a waste than at least embracing the opportunity any cycle brings. So we gave that little egg a chance.

Join me in the wait for the end of the cycle here... which should end this Saturday with a welcome suprise... or a fresh cycle. Then will be the choice to commence treatment or continue naturally. I can only wish this was an easier journey than it is.

just can't win

I find it strange to be spending a cycle not trying. I find it even more strange that while attempting to step away and not focus on trying... all I can think about is what we have lost. There is simply no escape from it.

my motivation

A fellow blogger has posed a fundamental question... and given the impending closing of what feels like a failed cycle... this is quite possibly the best time to remind myself. Just how do I approach it after a miscarriage. The simple answer-because I cannot imagine it any other way- and because nothing else would feel right.

The whole truth is more a tightrope walk. I feel as though I was born to be a mom and it is an incredibly strong driving force. We spent over two years of trying on our own, being tested, poked, prodded, surgically explored followed by three cycles of IUI. We have experienced excitement, hope, anticipation, concern, fear, loss and devastation. The most common seems to be that devastation-month after month. So how is it we keep coming back to go through cycling all over again given the more likely outcome? The day I learned if the miscarriage, my first thought was that it was so devastating that I never wanted to try again. But as I went one day at a time, things got clearer and things looked a bit more hopeful. I would again be able to experience the sheer elation of seeing a positive pregnancy test-one of the best feelings, and one so powerful I cannot describe in words. Still, my heart hurts and my mind worries. Worry that we may never get pregnant has been replaced with a doubled fear that if we get pregnant again, it will not go to term. I can't trust my body and I have lost all faith in myself, but we continue because we can't see it any other way. To avoid it simply gives us less of a chance of having the joy of a baby in our lives. I yearn to experience it-to watch it grow and move in my belly, to meet it for the first time, watch first words and steps, to be a mentor and protector, to watch it grow and become the person he or she is meant to be. My future shows a family... one that I hope to someday meet.

This current cycle was one hurdle after another that has worn me to the core and I am beginning to question whether it was the right time to try again so hard. But I know that once this weekend rolls around and a new cycle starts, it will be with renewed hope. A completely unmedicated and unassisted cycle is in great need. We deserve to be parents and we cling to the belief our baby is out there. But while we are putting the "trying" in second place for this month, it will give us the chance to put "us" first.