almost there...

Just a few more days before we can see how big this little one has gotten! Oh-and we get to find out the gender too-yay! Hopefully that will help with the bonding. I have noticed that I am very guarded about developing a bond and it is my assumption that our difficult past riddled with months of trying and difficult losses is a big culprit. I want nothing more than to be attached and in love with this baby. I do not take one moment for granted-but I am scared beyond belief. I simply have not been able to grasp that in less than 5 months, the life inside of me will be a life outside of me. Is it normal to feel this way? Or am I bound for a lifetime of reassurance peppered in with a bit of counseling? :)

On an upbeat note...we are 3/4 of the way finished choosing names. We have a first and middle name for a girl and first name for a boy. We just have to narrow down the middle name. And no-we will not share with the family until after the sonogram. We may never share the names with his brother who can't take anything seriously and mocks every name we choose. We have had to retire three names off our list already because he made a joke of them.  Such a joker-all.the.time. I don't think he would make fun of a name we have agreed upon though. We'll see :)

And bittersweet...this 20 week sono on thursday will be the final time we see this little one prior to when it is living "outside of me"... that's a long time to not see what is going in isn't it? Such a challenge.

Off to eat a brownie-and see if I can pack on yet another pound to my weight gain this last month :)

quick update...

I, again, am a bad blogger. I might just have a follower out there waiting with baited breath for an update - and nothing! 

So here goes a quick update. We had our 12 week sonogram on10/6 and outside of a terribly uncooperative and sleepy baby (sort of like me), all looks right on track and heartbeat is a nice 152 beats per minute. Nuchal translucency looked good from the slightly unreliable measurement. Baby is just not interested in lying on its back and once jostled around enough with me switching from side to side on the table-it became more active in a way I imagine I would react if all I wanted to do was nap and no one would leave me be. It's gotta be a boy... his father's family is nothing but uncooperative on the male side :)

I would have posted sonogram images by now, but my scanner also does not want to cooperate. Those will simply have to wait. I may have to photograph myself too since it seems I am an early "popper" already evident at just over 13 weeks.

Now I must go prepare the house for our 3rd birthday party this month. October hosts a plethora of family birthdays. Thank goodness we dodged that month!

still here

Seems my frequent nausea and insatiable need for sleep has rendered me all but useless once I leave work. I cannot believe I sleep this much! Tonight, my intentions are to finish up this post, wash the dishes, throw some clothes in the dryer...

and go to bed.

Believe me, I am terribly excited about the prospect of climbing under the covers and relaxing. They say your energy tends to pick up again in the second trimester. I hope they are right-and I hope these next 4 weeks go quickly to get me to the coveted second trimester. At my last appointment, things went as well as they could. The little one is right on track and actually is a couple days ahead of schedule. Such a relief to see things going well! Now I just have to wait nearly 4 weeks for the next appointment-an eternity.

And with that, I will end my post. Perhaps once my scanner is plugged in I might even post some photos. We'll have to find some motivation for that ;)

familiar fears-but good numbers

I know I will be a hypochondriac. I have had my primary doctor do three HCG draws (the first two to confirm it was rising and a third because I didn't "feel" anything and I thought my progesterone was falling). After these three very normal HCG levels, I was referred to my OB of choice for an impromptu "counseling" visit as that office liked to call it since it is too early to see anything to get a good feel on progress. I had that visit last friday.  They decided to draw an HCG this past monday. Two hours later I was on the phone checking on the levels of course. This is what we found our levels to be over the last week or so:

• 8/05/11   46
• 8/08/11   178
• 8/11/11   501
• 8/15/11   2800

Turns out, regardless of my concern for falling progesterone (which was at 13.85 on 8/15), the HCG is doing spectacularly well. Progesterone is a little low for my liking, but within range. No spotting either, thank god! I do have little things going on like cramping which I was told is normal as long as they are not bad and are not accompanied by blood...and the "girls" are getting increasingly sensitive. The past day or now I have been feeling out of sorts-kinda like I feel like I am coming down with something. I am tired and a little queasy, although no true vomiting-yet. I imaging my HCG to be around 15,000 today. It's no wonder I am feeling more going on as time progresses. Bring it on :)

I also have to mention how neat that little visual is on the top right of my blog with the image of the baby. It has a little heart flutter right now. How cool is that!

an amazing thing...

As you may recall in my previous post, it was over-the journey, the dream, the biological children. We had begun to come to terms with it and started weighing our options. I ordered information from a couple different adoption agencies and readied myself for a possible next step. The literature was downright daunting and we immediately came to the conclusion this was not the way for us. It was so complex and expensive (so much more than I ever imagined) and lacked the biological bond we were struggling to come to terms with losing.

I decided to throw myself full force into losing weight and getting healthy. Nothing is more wrenching than seeing an office note from your doctor describe you as "mildly obese". I prefer "well-nourished" thank you. I managed to lose 9 pesky pounds in a relatively short time.

And then the most amazing thing happened...

Because I was also taking medication to suppress appetite, I decided to test on a whim just to be sure it was safe to take the meds. Turns out for the first time ever...ever...I saw a second line on the test-on an all natural, not even trying cycle. Of course I had to have blood drawn the next day to confirm and in fact, my hcg was 46. Three days later, it was up to 178. A little quick math says those are perfect numbers. We are in shock-complete and total shock! We did not want to get excited simply because of our brief history with pregnancies in the past, but no such luck. It is hard to contain excitement when something shines your way out of the blue as if this was meant to be.

Should I eat my words now? Apparently when you give up...when you least expect it...it really can happen.

Pray this one is our forever baby-and if you come into contact with any family of mine-no telling. W haven't decided when to spill to the world yet... not that we can contain it for any length of time :)

how to move on

A couple of weeks ago, I figured I would get into contact with some local as well as national adoption agencies. I am now just starting to get information in the mail. It is a small relief we have options...but it is so emotionally charged that I find myself in tears on more than several occasions throughout the day-every day. The prospect of says goodbye to a biological child that I would have that connection right from conception-to feel it grow inside of me and be something that we made is heartbreaking. The pain feels nearly equal to losing a family member. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom-and although there are many ways to be a mom outside of the traditional sense, it appears I may have a long way to go in this journey to accept that next step.

I started this blog to chronicle our journey to having a family. I started this post with the intention of this being my final post in the belief that this chapter is over. However ready-or not ready-this is a new chapter-this is still our story of becoming a family and I will continue to document it. It may be morphing into something completely different, but we are still heading towards that same outcome. We want a family-it will come to us in some way. I just think we need the time to step away from it, to mourn our loss. We were always given bits of optimism and hope by those around us. Turns out, sometimes those bits of optimism may to amount to enough to get you through it. I have to let go and it is quickly proving to be the single most difficult thing I have had to come to terms with.

now what?

Soooo tired of trying soooo hard. I know I am not the first person who has had a failed cycle and I certainly will not be the last. As a matter of fact, things could be soooo much worse. I quietly mourn my trivial shortcomings to avoid burdening people with them-or simply avoid the possibility that I will lose friends with my downright crappy mood and overall attitude.

The nurse told me over the phone to give them a call when my cycle starts again and they will get me in right away to do another set of meds. I said ok, but I didn't mean it for crap. We are at the end of the line. My options are to either find the excessive amount of money to move onto IVF, find the excessive amount of money for adoption... or submit to a childless life with dogs as my companions. The latter is not my favorite choice-but quite honestly, it may very well be the only option. We are not financially able to pay for more advanced procedures or adoption. Hell, I can't even find a job that yields more than a minimum wage position in take home pay. It is disgusting and depressing and it is taking its toll on me.

FYI-should I ever try again, I will never, ever touch a first response test again. My apologies to that company as they usually have accurate results with most people. I, on the other hand, always get a second line-ALWAYS. Great for leading on an already suggestible brain.

Remember that thing about every cloud having a silver lining-my cloud again comes with lightning...and lots of it. Hooray for pessimism. Time to take a step back from the journey, the blog, and obsessing about things I cannot have. I need a drink before this gets out of hand...

the insanity begins

So I have peed on 3 sticks (one each morning for the last 3 days) to test out my trigger. It is a general rule that by 10 days past trigger, the HCG should no longer be present... although some believe it can take up to 12 days to fully metabolize out depending on the person. Wednesday it was faint and took nearly 5 minutes to show up. Yesterdays took even longer and was a bit fainter still. Todays came up within the three minute time frame and is slightly darker than the last two. I must pat myself on the back because I am keeping a semi-level head about this because:

1. 1) I used a different brand test, even though it had the same sensitivity. It may not be accurate and certainly cannot be compared to a different brand test.
2. 2) If my body has not metabolized all of the HCG out, this could easily be remaining trigger.
3. 3) Even if it is a true positive, we all know where they tend to head. The excitement and joy that comes from a positive test just doesn't exist when every day can lead to a different outcome. One day at a time is all I can deal with.

I will mention though that my trigger was well out of my system by this time last month... and the speed at which the line showed this time was also a little promising. I also cannot ignore the odd uterine cramping two days ago and the unusual "electric" sensations in "the girls" (if you know what I mean)-which I had with both of the other successful cycles. It is just starting to feel that way again. The only true test? To wait and test again.

This is where the insanity begins...

strangely familiar

I have been experiencing odd pains in my abdomen, similar to the last, well... 2 time we managed to conceive. The feeling is both reassuring and terrifying. I am reassured in that it renews my hope that we perhaps, maybe, possibly succeeded this time. It makes me feel like we have a fighting chance. However, it is also frightening in that my hope is renewed and I am filled with a sense of peace that we perhaps, maybe, possibly succeeded this time. I know right?

Trying the keep a level head while getting swallowed up in the mind of an "obsessed in getting pregnant mind" is a delicate balance I rarely achieve. Either I submit to the statistic game and figure my fate is sealed...or I hype myself up to the point of no return analyzing every feeling-every twinge, cramp, pain-thinking it is more than it may actually be.

Oh middle ground... where are you?

Oh well-I can kill some time by peeing on a stick. I know I have one around here somewhere :)

killing time...

IUI #6 complete...at least the IUI part. The cycle is far from complete. I ran into an A to Z questionnaire that I thought might kill a few minutes of the next two weeks :)

A to Z of TTC

A. Age when you started TTC: 32

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex... we have learned baby dancing seldom results in the baby part-nor do I dance.

C. Children wanted: wanted, but not expected.

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: 4 dogs. I very old beagle, an aging jack russell, and 2 feisty chihuahuas that also double as mini heaters in the winter (or nuisances in the middle of summer when a heater is simply not needed)

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Prenatals. 

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Clomid, Ovidrel, Follistim, Gonal-F, Menopur, lovenox, Crinone, Progesterone in Oil, Ganirelex, HCG trigger, dexamethasone-that may be it!

G. Gain: weight and increased sarcasm.

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): June 2009 (inconclusive leading to an August repeat), August 2009, August 2010 and anticipated August 2011.

I. Infertile Pet Peeves: It will happen when you least expect it...

J. Job title: Graphic Designer

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: I have never been attached to one in particular-it has been so long since I thought of names over three years ago that even my tastes change in names.

L. Length of time TTC: Over 3.5 years

M. Miscarriages: 2...well, one miscarriage and one what they like to call "biochemical"-I call it 2 miscarriages.

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: None-our RE is the only around and is fantastic. He is both open and willing to offer advice, but is also open and willing to do what you feel is right for your cycle.

O. Ovarian quality: FSH says great, lack of children seems to indicate otherwise.

P. POAS or wait for AF: POAS on a medicated cycle (regular cycles I do not waste the money on tests). I like the warning. I also think there needs to be a support group for people like me who will pee on just about anything if it will show a line.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: Just get drunk... it worked for me!

S. Sperm: Quantity and motility are great... morph leaves a little to be desired, but nothing to write home about.

T. Time you tried naturally: Subtract 2 clomid cycles and 6 IUI cucles over the last 3.5 years. That is how many cycles naturally.

U. Uterus quality: Good... the HSG shows all normal there minus a possible partially blocked tube-sometimes the dye goes through and sometimes it doesn't. Who knew?

V. Vagina: Yes...? 

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: My old cradle from when I was a baby and some cute little shoes and socks since I find them so irresistible. 

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? Everyone under the sun. My family, my friends, my coworkers, his coworkers...we have no shame. We are an open book. Just b prepared for the truth if you ask.

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): Yes...they don't check the good for things like that at the RE. Although I have lost track of the number of lovely men and women who have graced my parts over the last several years.

Z. Zits: Absolutely...since puberty. It just never went away.

That was fun. What to do next? :)

does optimism come in an injection?

Today's ultrasound revealed really stubborn follicles in the right ovary, a couple of viable ones in the left ovary, and nearly 7mm lining-and whether we like it or not, tomorrow is IUI day. I have run out of ganirelex, hence no way to stop ovulation. They decided to give me one more night of stims and an unorthodox early morning trigger. I guess the intent is to let the incredibly large follicle do as it pleases and let the trigger work its magic on the smaller follicle that measured in at 17mm this morning (hopefully by ovulation it will be closer to 20mm).  I am feeling a little better knowing my lining is almost where it should be and will continue to thicken since my estrogen is through the roof right now. The follicles are a bit disappointing, but I still feel better now than two days ago.

Party on... IUI tomorrow afternoon. Can I get a dose of optimism with my trigger shot?

adventures in things falling apart...and unusual attachments

First, let me start with an update to my current cycle. Not only is my lining failing to thicken to the desired 7mm as of this past Friday, but my "resolving" cyst from last month is refusing to...well, resolve. I also have (or had at this point as by now it is far beyond acceptable size and is now past its prime and usefulness) a mature follicle-ONE mature follicle. For God's sake, I can get that without all this medication. So the nurse decided it was best to let this follicle go (and grow to degenerative uselessness) and see if the other smaller follicles will get large enough over the weekend. The ones we are waiting for now are quite small-the largest being only 10mm, then next at 9mm, and 2 others at a mere 5mm. Lets hope they all grow to 18-20 by tomorrow morning and my stubborn lining thickens because I will be out of necessary medications to continue on any longer. I must trigger tomorrow night... I will ovulate whether I am ready or not since I don't have any more ganirelex to stop it from happening on its own.

Ah yes, I remember fondly my last cycle that went like textbook. Lots of great follicles, thick lining...and 97 million sperm to find their way. Those were the days. Turns out it doesn't make a bit of a difference on the outcome. Maybe this will be the way it goes... the struggle and uncertainty will lead to the desired outcome. After all, I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Anything worth having I have had to work for. Perhaps this is no different.

I am attempting to lower my stress level since it has been abnormally high. I am terribly emotionally charged (as you may recall my post about crying like a baby to the Deadliest Catch) and I have been reduced to tears over the smallest of events. However, my car crapping out on me is not a small thing. I am not a material person, but this is a piece of practical equipment that gets me to my job-and doctor appointments at the butt crack of dawn. This is the car I dreamed of having and I am quite fond of it.

They not only do not make the model anymore-the company doesn't even exist. They decided the Pontiac line was not worth keeping. I thought once it died on me I would be fine saying goodbye to it and replacing it with a new piece of practical equipment. This too-shockingly enough-makes me sad. Apparently according to Jeff, it is a lengthy and costly fix, being that it is the transmission that is going-but he is willing to fix it if I want him to. It still runs right now, but I fear it won't get much farther-or even down the road. Do I let him fix it and see how much more life we get out of it... or do I let go and move on?

It appears I have some attachment issues in more than one facet of my life...

Needles and pills

I was able to start meds up again last night. The baseline ultrasound showed a resolving follicle that they decided would benefit waiting a day before starting meds. The regimen is exactly the same at this point-with the exception of the vitamins. I am glad I chose gummy prenatal vitamins instead of pills. It is like a little treat amongst the needles and pills.

I mentioned to the nurse that this will be our last cycle. Of course she said "because it will work right?"

Or perhaps our insurance will cut us off. Either way right?

Of course it will be nice if she is right after all...

forgive the depression...

... but I think two things have started within me. We are at cycle day one on our final IUI cycle. Great to have a fresh new cycle, but scary to think of where we go next if it fails. I desperately want this to work and I thought that after 6 cycles, we would be a complete family. Adoption is weighing more heavily in our thoughts and through my research, I came across a poem about mourning the loss of a biological child never to be met. Naturally, it made me cry because those words, although I could not write them so well... say exactly how it feels:

Today I close the door of the nursery

I have kept for you in my heart.

This is from the book, "Children of Open Adoption" It is for the unborn child of an infertile couple.

I can no longer stand in its doorway.

I have waited for you there so long.

I cannot forever live on the periphery of the dream world we share,

and you cannot enter my world.

I have fought to bring you across the threshold of conception & birth. I have fought time, doctors,devils and God almighty. I am weary and there is no victory.

Other children may someday live in my  heart but never in your place.

I can never hold you. I can never really let you go. But I must go on.

The unborn are forever trapped within the living but it is unseemly

for the living to be trapped forever by the unborn.

© E. Van Clef

It is hard to shift from wanting to share in the creation of something by two people in love that will have his ears and your mouth, the baby you will bond with for 9 months in the womb and bring into the world in a moment that words cannot describe. I mourn the possible loss of that connection-especially as we get close to the medical end. It will all be up to fate as to whether or nor-or even how our family grows from here. I know we both have love to give to any child... it is just a matter of saying goodbye to some things once dear to my heart and replacing it with new dreams. 

Just wanted to start thinking about the possibilities we could have a month from now. It could be exciting after all. Closing this entry with hope for this cycle, and realism that it will go as it needs.

Scared

So today is cycle day one and I am scared. It is our last IUI cycle and possibly our last medicated cycle ever. Insurance will not cover any more cycles after this.

No pressure...

The fun begins Friday morning. Let's hope there are no cysts!

Another one down the crapper

At least I was not surprised at the negative result. On to the final cycle...

patiently waiting

I am patiently awaiting my blood test results-patiently because I am prepared for what the results probably are. That's the thing about this. You need to be one step ahead at all times. You need to work on the current cycle while planning for the next month. I have medications for if this cycle succeeds and medications for if I need to start all over again next month. Most of my medications are mail order and need to be ordered well in advance to be sure they  are here when I need them. Inevitably, I will waste medications because some will not get used. I have been told by family to not think it has failed, but I need to in order to be ready for the next month. It is the way the cycle goes.  There is no down time in between to contemplate unless you are ok with skipping a cycle.

I could wait a month and start again after a full cycle, thus eliminating the need to purchase new medications prior to the end of a previous cycle... but then I waste the med I had to open for one injection this past cycle. Once opened, it lasts 30 days. If I skip this next cycle, that med gets trashed-and the Gonal-F is a pricey medication to throw away.

Once the results are in, we will give it one more try this month. My body cannot take more than that, both physically and emotionally... but mostly emotionally. The physical pain will go away, but the mental toll is different. Every month is a failure and I cannot keep coming back to fail. It is too expensive and fruitless. We are contemplating the next step-most likely adoption-which poses its own set of unique risks that we need to work through. Money, time waiting, preparations, home visits, classes... and in the end, you have a beautiful baby that at any time until final papers are signed, could be taken away from you. Scary to think about.

But I wait for results... patiently. More to come.

hormones

I am M.I.S.E.R.A.B.L.E. and I won't lie about it. I got a negative pee test this morning-and although I realize it means absolutely nothing yet, I can't help but reference the last two positive tests I got in the past that had showed up by now. I nearly cried-or did cry depending-numerous times today, including sobbing while watching my DVRed episode of Deadliest Catch (it isn't just about crab fishing anymore apparently). My dog upset my by leaning against the curtain overnight causing it to fall to the floor-so that the other dog who insists on getting us up at 5:45 could wake us up even earlier. 5:20 is far too early for cranky me. I was angry at my job for making me work. I got angry at my lack of cool air on the car ride home.

Hell, I got angry at the new lawn ornament/planter that looks oddly like a 17 year old riding lawn mower that we got bought yesterday and broke-yesterday. The anger was not towards the broken part... it is the new position it holds proudly perched in our front yard. Just beautiful. I am thinking about putting my Chinese fan palm tree on it.

I love chocolate hostess cupcakes right? So while getting gas at an ungodly $3.77 a gallon (and yes-that upset me too), I stopped into the convenience store and saw a strawberry version of the cupcakey goodness. Any they were pink to boot. Imagine my disappointment when it tasted like a strawberry chapstick-or at least what I imagine a strawberry chapstick to taste like if you ate it whole.

Silly little things. Nothing a normal person would get upset over. But this is me we are talking about. Is it bedtime yet? Damned hormones...

perhaps the beginning of the end... or just the beginning?

The typical spotting towards the end of my cycle has commenced. It could be many things. It could be implantation spotting. It could be simple irritation from the fantastic progesterone suppository. Or it could be my cycle coming to an inevitable end.

I don't want to get all pessimistic or anything, but I just can't help it. I have lost track of the number of cycles we have tried-both naturally and medically-and that is no joke. People in this situation can tell you every milestone and devastating event in great detail from the exact date it happened to what they ate or did that day. I have... lost... count. Sad really.

This pessimism has not hurt my success rate as far as I am concerned. What it has done is help me cope with the disappointment each month has provided me. I will be let down yet again should we fail-but I am prepared for it. I need to be prepared for it the same way you put on a life vest before the ship sinks and the bottom falls out. It is my defense. This month in particular has been tough. Everything has gone textbook. Perfect follicles and many of them responding exactly as they should, well-timed intralipid infusion and a Saturday insemination (which we succeeded at both times in the past), and the expected, yet still disturbing large bruises that have just started making an appearance from the blood thinner injected in my abdomen. It all is going to script. We have worked so hard and kept to a medication routine diligently. It will truly be devastating should it fail.

One step at a time... that fat lady has not had a chance to sing yet. I am still in the running until that bitch shows up. And if she does show, I will invite her in for a glass of wine.

meds...or me

I learned today that a co-worker and friend will be moving decidedly too far away to visit. It makes me sad. I feel as if she has lived just 20 minutes away from me forever and I haven't been to see her outside of work in over a year. Disgusting...

Now she will be leaving and I can't seem to keep a level head about it. After all, we are not extra close in most peoples books. However, she has been there for me in some pretty tough times and has been a great support-even with my inconsistent friendship. She has been a part of my life for nearly 17 years. How different it will be. I can't decide if my overwhelming reaction to the news is me simply feeling sad... or if the meds are finally talking. I am weepy, crampy, bloated, always hungry, constantly peeing (sometimes 2-3 times while attempting to sleep through any given night), easily agitated-and the nagging pulling/stabbing sensation in my abdomen is driving me up a wall (perhaps a by-product of being easily agitated).

I can safely say that I cannot wait until this two week wait is over. My pee test (as you know by now I pee a lot) indicates my trigger shot is 99% gone, so if that second line gets darker, we are headed in the right direction. Come Saturday, I will either celebrate with great joy and relief... or with a great big bottle of Fulkerson's Sunset Blush as we partake in our traditional UFC fight night party-yay for chicken wing dip! Yummy with that bottle of wine :)

I miss my friend already...

are we there yet?

Nothing like waiting two weeks to drive you absolutely mad (as if I wasn't already out of my mind). Although we are halfway there. I do not get my hopes up-mainly because we have done this so many times with shockingly similar results. Also, I am on so many hormone enhancing medications, there is no "true" way to know what is going on until they test my blood. My body has been faked into believing it is pregnant to the point my cycle will probably not restart without stopping all meds for several days.

I am experiencing the expected breast tenderness associated with pregnancy... and if I peed on a stick right now, I would in fact see a second line with thanks to the HCG trigger shot I took last Friday to force my body to ovulate. If I actually get a positive blood test on Saturday (it would be a true result as the trigger should be completely out of my bloodstream meaning my body is producing it on it's own), they would continue me on the progesterone and add HCG booster injections-which will again fake the positive pee test. So until I see anything on an ultrasound, theoretically, there could be nothing there any longer.

This is perfect for a hypochondriac. I have to add that my bras do not fit anymore. I had a hard enough time working around the "girls" to golf in the past. Now I wish they would stay home so I could play properly.

no longer a PIO virgin

We have completed our 5th IUI as of this past Saturday. I also had my IV intralipid infusion. I have to say, the HCG injection to trigger ovulation I took on friday evening has caused great soreness to the feminine chest area. And now I am happy to say I am also no longer a progesterone in oil (PIO) virgin. The big needle was and is still scary, but the pain was minimal at injection. Icing the injection site and warming the oil with body heat made a huge difference. Hats off to Jeff who gave it a go and administered the needle. He is awesome and I am glad he can handle it so well.

However, just one hour later, I am feeling an ache sort of like if you fall on your ass-and try to get up the next morning. I can also feel the telltale knot in the muscle despite the warm compress and massage. This is gonna be fun!

The lovenox went in well also. A lot of stinging, but a smooth injection.

Another 10 days of this and I get to go see if my bHCG comes back positive. So with a stinging abdomen, sore ass and boobs, I will patiently await my test date-and play with my new iPhone :)

perfect timing

Have you ever had things go so smoothly that you wonder when something will go terribly wrong? Now that would be just plain "glass is half empty" pessimistic.

Actually, this cycle is going nearly textbook. I have several mature follicles ripe for trigger tomorrow evening with the IUI for Saturday morning. Tomorrow I will go in for a final ultrasound to see how things look, get my blood drawn, and settle in for a two hour intralipid infusion (also perfectly timed the day before IUI). I even got the expected warning from the nurse that with the number of follicles I have, there is a risk for multiples. With our track record of no luck on our own, a 50% success rate of fertilization of one egg with assisted cycles... and a 0% term pregnancy-bring it on. The more the merrier. We will cross that bridge should we come to it.

For now, I can rest easy knowing we have done everything we can to make this work. Now everybody cross their fingers and toes that one little sperm can ask for directions to find one egg.

if you want it done right...

Well, you know how it goes. I lied in my last post about being the owners of a brand new air conditioner. Well, it is a new air conditioner-and it is ours. So in retrospect, I was not lying. However, in my opinion, we will not be proud new owners until it does more than blow air around the house. They installed the air conditioner-and when it kicked on, they figured their job was done. They didn't stick around long enough to see if it actually-oh, I don't know-cooled? This place is mighty toasty in the afternoons and muggy at night. Not my favorite.

But fear not-they are coming out this Friday to finish the job.

Speaking of Friday-it looks like a busy day. The air conditioner guys will be here from 9am-11am. I know for a fact that I need to be at the doctor's office for my intralipid infusion at 1pm. That should take about 2 hours. I also have another medication delivery that should arrive between 8am and 3pm. Oh... and depending on tomorrow's ultrasound, we may be in for our IUI for that morning. Jeff was supposed to have the day off, but that fell through this morning. I hope I have a lot of good friends around here to hang out at my house when I cannot be here!

I got my intralipid information in the mail today. It is an IV infusion that has somewhat been proven useful in preventing miscarriage. It also pumps me full of liquid, fat and calories. I need more fat-and bruises on my abdomen. I look like I have been poked repeatedly in my (for no reason) expanding gut by small children. Although I know it will be worth it and I am willing to try anything at this point, I need to infuse that bit of humor in it. Otherwise, my 3 nightly injections and 4 pills will drag me down.

The lawn is finally mowed-because I did it-with a cute little push mower. I hope it doesn't grow too much before Friday. I won't have time to mow out the air conditioner again :) Actually, it is shaping up to be a nice evening. I may just go out now and re-mow it...

sucking it up

Only night two of injections and I already have a nice black and blue mark to show for it. I have also learned one of two possible things:

1. These new medications hurt a lot more going in than the last medications... or
2. I have turned into a huge wuss

I vote the latter. The menopur literally makes me cry about halfway through the injection as a dull, yet increasing throb commences, forcing me to tell myself this is crazy-because after I finish this shot, I need to immediately administer another needle into the opposite side of my stomach. Once it is over and my body begins to absorb it, I feel better. However, I can't help but think I have weakened in my ability to withstand pain. I had better get used to it. It only gets more painful every day... but so worth it.

Interestingly, one of my oral medications-dexamethasone-states on the label: May cause a whirly feeling (WTH does that mean?) as well as an increased appetite. FAN-tastic. I need a bigger appetite-and a whirly feeling. I am not sure if this headache has anything to do with the whirly thing... or if it is just a "lack-of-caffeine" thing. Again, I vote the latter.

We are also now the proud owners of a brand new air conditioning unit. I am not sure what it looks like though through the 18" high grass field that is our backyard. Baby steps.

dichotomy of fear

This time tomorrow night-assuming the ultrasound and labs are good-I will begin my ritual of medications. It scares me. I never imagined I would enter into a cycle scared to death. Don't mistake the fear for lack of enthusiasm and optimism or course... but I am scared.

I am scared of all the hormones and flowcharts.

I am afraid of trying so hard and hoping it works only to have it fail.

Or what if it works and I spend each grateful day walking on eggshells hoping it is progressing as it should.

I worry that even when we do succeed, I will find myself overcome with previous losses and it will overshadow the joy I should rightfully feel.

I am forever a different person. You can't go through something like this and come out the other end the same person. I have an ultrasound picture of a baby with a beating heart-one solitary picture-and then she was gone. Our second was gone so quickly we never even got to see it. The scars are real and starting another cycle tugs at those old wounds. The fear is both debilitating and a great motivator. I will not let it consume my every moment, but it pushes me towards a goal so ingrained in me that I could not imagine my existence without being a mother. Yet I am nothing like I was three and a half years ago-and I will never be able to go back there.

Tomorrow morning marks the beginning of a new possibility. I remain optimistic, realistic... and scared. This is going to take a miracle and I hope it is our turn...

"iced" coffee and cycle day one

So I came home Thursday afternoon and found our lawn had finally been mowed... but wait! Only the front had been done. They managed to make one quick pass through the field of the backyard-at which point the quitting bell must have gone off. I figured they would finish up yesterday morning. Fat chance.

So now we have a half-mowed field, 14 inch grass, no landscaping and no air conditioner. I took matters into my own hands with the air conditioner at least. That will be installed in an all day event on Tuesday. Then I can check that off of my list. Baby steps is better than nothing I suppose.

So I go to Dunkin' Donuts this morning for what has to be my eleventy-billionth iced coffee. I know how to order it and I know what to expect when I get it. This friendly server brings me my travel cup with coffee and cream and I couldn't help but notice it was missing the ice. This is better as a play by play:

Server: "Here you go!"
Me: confused..."Thanks, but there's no ice in it."
Server: not seeing a problem... "That is an iced coffee. Oh! Did you want ice in it?"
Me: "Please?"

Like I said, I have ordered many iced coffees from several different stores and several different servers. I usually-if not always-get ice in my iced coffee. Go figure This very polite server (who is not new to the job) did not remember or plan to put ice in it. No harm done. It was just an awkward situation when he responded as if I had eight heads-wondering where my ice was. It gave me a nice morning chuckle.

And to keep in theme of my blog... today is cycle day one. I am set for my early morning blood draw and-my very favorite-baseline ultrasound Tuesday. My "parts" will again, be displayed to someone approximately every other day for the next several weeks. I am quite used to it... I lost my apprehension and concern a year and a half ago.  Let the games begin-and the numerous injectable medications.

beautiful day... especially the pollen

My fertility trip has come to a screeching halt as I wait for my cycle day 1. It has given me time to revamp my blog and stew over silly little things. Allow me to share my story with you. Please pardon the frustration in this post-I am not kidding when I say I am irritated. It must be the PMS.

We recently bought a house that was built and able to be occupied in January minus some outdoor finishing touches that needed to wait for the ground to thaw. We have been patiently waiting for our sidewalk and patio to be poured, landscaping to be done as well as getting our a/c unit installed. Now I understand these things take time considering the amount of other homes being worked on currently. I just wish that they could understand that while most people are not ready to fire up their a/c units quite yet... I would kill for mine to be on right now. You see... this community also mows your lawn for you (at least that is what we were told). It seems we were overlooked when the lawn mower came by.

 

We now have ten inch tall grass with copious dandelions which leads to pollen. Naturally, it is a beautiful day out and it is stifling in the house. I do as I must and open the windows to let in some cool air and yellow pollen. 

Now I am irritated on more than one level...

My nasal passages and sinus cavities thank you, dear community, for overlooking our lawn and our air conditioning. My dog would also like to thank you. The photo above was taken a week ago before the grass was out of control. Imagine how it must be now for a little chihuahua to navigate grass that hits her in the face as she wades through it-and of course she has allergies too :)

I do appreciate a place where I am able to rant about anything. For those of you reading-I appreciate the interest in an otherwise mundane week so far.

a day off... look at my mind go

How wonderful the feeling of not having to go to work on a usual work day. It immediately makes me feel better. But what to do with my day? I do not plan on spending much time on here. After all, it is a sunny, beautiful day outside which is a leap from the normal rainy, cloudy skies with the occasional torrential downpour. You should see my backyard. If I had a basement, we would be in trouble!

My one goal for the day.... to anxiously await my medications.

Thank you to the pharmacy for the specifics.

They will be arriving anytime today and I must be here to sign for them and refrigerate as needed. I could have them delivered to anywhere and anyone could sign for them (which sounds really safe to me right? You give your address wrong or they go to the house next door to deliver and they sign without thinking to themselves: "Wait.... did I order 12 medications from a mail order pharmacy? I must have?") and you never see your meds. And there is the obsessive worrier in me coming out.

 

If it can go wrong.... it will. Great, yet pessimistic statement. If only I had coined it first... damned Murphy.

But I digress. I am terribly excited about getting my meds. It makes it all seem so much more real that we are f\giving this another shot. We had our best successes (and worst failures) through medically stimulated cycles. I can;'t deny we had a 50% success rate of conception and that is 100% better than what we have achieved on our own. That tells me we need this. I know sometimes it can happen without trying or without medical help... but we are beyond that. Numbers don't like. And tomorrow, on our wine tour, I will raise my last drunken glass of wine before our cycle begins... and toast to better possibilities ahead. 

and then no more wine:)

Off to await my medications :)

today I give thanks for...

... tomorrow being my Friday. Enough said :)

today I give thanks for...

...remembering that it was good for me to give thanks for something every day.

Oh... and thanks to my insurance company for approving my Gonal-F, Lupron and HCG. Though I did learn the Lupron is on national backorder for an unknown period of time... and they politely asked me: "Would you like us to contact your doctor and look into an alternative medication?". That would be great... considering without it, the Gonal-F will force my follicles to prematurely rupture without something to keep them in check until trigger. Duh!

Not that I said it-I just thought it :)

I actually let them know it would be fantastic if they could get this taken care of as it is kinda important. And I still give thanks for remembering this is a giving thanks post.

the dog days are over

So with careful consideration and good timing-and a very convincing argument I might add-we are headed down the 5th IUI route. I am very excited... which is a HUGE change from the downright mediocre "I could care less" attitude that each cycle has brought lately. I just lost my enjoyment of it and spent more time being cautious than I did optimistic. The break from fertility treatment since August of last year was needed. The dog days are over (a nice upbeat new song as well as a better outlook). I am refreshed and renewed and ready to take it on...

...almost. Did I forget to mention my new laundry list?

Gonal-f RFF Pen

Leuprolide 2 week kit

Prenatal Vitamin-Duet DHA

Crinone 8%

Zithromax

HCG 10,000 U Vials 10000 units

Menopur 75 IU

Lovenox

Progesterone in Oil

Only a few right? I also suspect an estrogen supplement will also be added at a later time. Some of these are no stranger to me while others are uncharted territory. They are designed to stimulate follicles and suppress ovulation, thin the blood, trigger when appropriate, keep free of infection, and ultimately sustain a possible implantation-aka-prevent miscarriage (something else I am no stranger to anymore). They are delivered orally, vaginally, subcutaneously and via a monstrous needle that gets jammed into a muscle daily, dependent on the med.

Yes, I do have anxiety over this newest addition of the big needle. I was prescribed it before, but went with the less painful, yet messy approach. Those of you who have been there know what I am talking about. Generally if  a med is not administered by needle, it is administered as a "suppository" in a place not intended to have it.

I am going to be hopped up on so many drugs, my hormones aren't going to know which way is up. My apologies in advance to those who fall in my path while I am on these meds. A special shout out to all the nurses I work with who offered to give me the big needle injection daily in the past. I fully intend to take you all up on that in an effort to get it done fast, right, and without emotionally scarring the Husband by inflicting the task on him.

But I digress. On to a 5th cycle with high hopes... and cautious optimism :)

time for a change

I feel like I am in a rut-and it didn't really take long either. Must be infertility is like riding a bike... no matter how long it has been, you get right back onto it as if you never stopped. I have a perpetual infertility hangover.

Maybe if I say "infertility" enough, I might realize I have it and move onto other, more achievable goals like a nice cross-stitch or refinishing a piece of old furniture... or piloting a jumbo airliner.

Not yet though. I have been cursed with this need to be persistent. I just can't seem to give up. Just because my uterus doesn't care... doesn't mean I don't. I told a friend recently that if I don't joke about it, I will lose my mind. And that is no joke. It hurts terribly. I see all the happily pregnant women around me (and believe me, it is plentiful at work currently) and immediately feel the pangs of anxiety, jealousy, longing... and curiosity. It is as if after a certain period of time, you begin to stare-and I mean stare-at pregnant bellies with both awe and amazement. I want to ask them what it feels like as they grow and stir and kick. I want to kneel down and rest my head on that belly and feel what they feel. And yes, I realize this is the type of behavior I would hope people around me would not do should I be fortunate enough to ever stay pregnant. However... I easily resist the urge to act on such unusual desires so as to not worry my coworkers and creep out the pregnant women.

I am on cycle day 9 right now and in the position to decide to take our less traditional approach and give that one more college try... or abandon it completely and commence the arduous process of obtaining numerous medications amounting to an excess of $500 with insurance benefits-and crawling back to the fertility center beginning next cycle. Obviously this cost does not include the $25 copay for each and every very early morning visit during monitoring (ah yes... the special ultrasound) and any other incurred expenses. I have yet to mention this maniacal plan to the husband... perhaps I may want to bring it up at dinner soon.

As for the title of the post... I need to simplify and clean my mind up. That includes my blog. I want to go with a less cluttered layout and new blog name. Somehow I need to center myself and get out of this busy, hectic and overwhelmed situation. It really is time for a change-and a glass of wine before bed...

I just can't trust anything

Turns out false positives can happen.... repeatedly. Not only did my beta turn out to be 0 (not that I expected otherwise given my period made a grand, yet very late entrance that morning). Lessons learned:

1) DO NOT, under any circumstances, test prior to after you are late.
2) DO NOT take a urine test at face value
3) Expect that your doctor may possibly think you are crazy

That last one is speculation... but I am sure that if she were not profiting off of my visit... she would most likely tell me to stop bothering her.

Sadly, I am on to yet another cycle. Even worse, I have no freaking idea what number cycle this is. It could be my 30th... or my 100th. Does it really matter at this point? It makes no difference anymore. So as I drink my glass of wine... I toast a cheer to yet another cycle failed, another notch on the bedpost, and another cycle yet to come I need to try and find the strength to work at.

Karma... what the hell did I ever do wrong?

back again... with hesitancy

Hey look! I am still here, silent as ever. Since my last update, we have moved into a new home (finally) and abandoned assisted fertility methods completely. But even on our own, we managed to have what I believe was a successful conception-which promptly ended with a normal timed cycle day one on Christmas Eve... what used to be my favorite holiday. I couldn't say I was shocked at the outcome of course.

From that point on, we just didn't think about it. We couldn't think about it. Until this past cycle...

We opted for a more non traditional home-based method combined with a round of clomid. I fully expect my cycle day one to make it's token appearance as the spotting began 2 days ago. However, this spotting is not regular spotting. So being that this is 14 days past ovulation and I needed to quell the inner POAS monster, I tested.

Please do not be fooled-I have been religiously peeing on stick for several days now, sometimes several times a day. It should be classified as a medical illness by now. This is my nemesis...

Strangely, after staring at this pretty little test imagining it laughing at me... I saw a very faint second line. Naturally this prompted me to use three more in succession to see if the results were similar. That they were. A terribly little faint line that a average person would not take a second glance (although I did have the husband confirm the is something to be seen there). FYI-digital tests will still tell you "not pregnant" at this point-yes, I tried (and now I wasted my only digital test!). After the initial pounding heartbeat subsided, I have settled into a waiting pattern. Not only have I run out of tests, but obviously I need to wait for the dreaded cycle day one... or a darker line. I am beginning to remember why we had to stop trying so hard in the first place. It is all consuming.

The waiting is the worst... but at least I have a semi level head about it. You can be sure I will be back with another update as to the end of this story.

money really does make the world go 'round

Turns out it is not just a saying. Neither is "money can't buy happiness." Indirectly, money is where it all hinges. According to my doctor, the best approach to address recurrent miscarriage is with prevention. Since they cannot determine the cause of the losses, numerous meds have been added to my list from added hcg to blood thinners and progeterone in oil.

All dispense as written and all with a hefty price tag-even with insurance. Our hearts are in it, but the wallet is empty. The buck stops here...pun intended.

If only a turkey baster would work... or if I could just win that lottery.

i'm a bad blogger... and even worse at carrying a pregnancy

So after realizing the many things that have happened in this god awful infertility saga... it has only just occurred to me in my haze that I have avoided this blog for far to long. I suppose after life hands you a bunch of crap, you gotta shut down for awhile to regain some momentum-and when you regain that momentum... you get shut down again. Makes you just wanna hide.

I believe I left off with a miscarriage in February. It took about 6 weeks after the D&C to get my body back to zero hcg. The go-getter that I am went right ahead and entered into another IUI cycle. After 17 days of stims and a terrible lining to boot, this IUI was doomed from the day of insemination.

On to IUI #4... textbook cycle. Three great follicles and only 8 days of stims, with the addition of a little estrace to boost my lining... we got another positive hcg (97) but terribly low progesterone (2.9!). It was already a concern as I had what appeared to be my period 4 days prior to the beta. It was time to boost up the crinone suppositories to twice a day. Second beta at 48 hours showed a great increase in hcg (247) and progesterone bumped up to a more normal, yet low level (10.9). I was very realistic, but hopeful at that point. However, after spotting all weekend long, I asked for another beta, which revealed what I already knew... my numbers were falling. Another loss...

Where does one go when they are so open and willing, yet heartbroken and damaged. We want to continue... but are scared to death it will happen again. They joy of a positive test is now gone and has been replaced with the hope that after a positive test, can we get to 6 weeks-or 7 weeks. Each day would be a milestone, so much that I can't even think about 9 months from a positive test. I have to think about getting to tomorrow successfully. I can no longer announce joyfully to my family and friends. They cannot share in a joy that I cannot even share in. Don't get me wrong... I would love and cherish every moment of that little life inside of me. But truth is, I have to keep myself grounded... and not bring everyone on this roller coaster that is infertility. I would trade every ounce of knowledge I have gained about human anatomy, medications and diagnostic tests to be completely naive and be able to experience the exhilaration of being pregnant without counting the days, taking the meds, doing the tests and going for constant monitoring.

This journey has been so taxing. I just want it to be easy... just once...

waiting for the end... or beginning

The first week of this all natural, no preservative cycle was excruciating. I never expected the emotional retaliation i would get by ignoring the medicines and monitoring. It felt like withdrawal that comes with an addiction.

The second week brought renewed hope and energy. I realized if I sit back and wallow in poor odds and unlikely success... the cycle would be even more a waste than at least embracing the opportunity any cycle brings. So we gave that little egg a chance.

Join me in the wait for the end of the cycle here... which should end this Saturday with a welcome suprise... or a fresh cycle. Then will be the choice to commence treatment or continue naturally. I can only wish this was an easier journey than it is.

just can't win

I find it strange to be spending a cycle not trying. I find it even more strange that while attempting to step away and not focus on trying... all I can think about is what we have lost. There is simply no escape from it.

my motivation

A fellow blogger has posed a fundamental question... and given the impending closing of what feels like a failed cycle... this is quite possibly the best time to remind myself. Just how do I approach it after a miscarriage. The simple answer-because I cannot imagine it any other way- and because nothing else would feel right.

The whole truth is more a tightrope walk. I feel as though I was born to be a mom and it is an incredibly strong driving force. We spent over two years of trying on our own, being tested, poked, prodded, surgically explored followed by three cycles of IUI. We have experienced excitement, hope, anticipation, concern, fear, loss and devastation. The most common seems to be that devastation-month after month. So how is it we keep coming back to go through cycling all over again given the more likely outcome? The day I learned if the miscarriage, my first thought was that it was so devastating that I never wanted to try again. But as I went one day at a time, things got clearer and things looked a bit more hopeful. I would again be able to experience the sheer elation of seeing a positive pregnancy test-one of the best feelings, and one so powerful I cannot describe in words. Still, my heart hurts and my mind worries. Worry that we may never get pregnant has been replaced with a doubled fear that if we get pregnant again, it will not go to term. I can't trust my body and I have lost all faith in myself, but we continue because we can't see it any other way. To avoid it simply gives us less of a chance of having the joy of a baby in our lives. I yearn to experience it-to watch it grow and move in my belly, to meet it for the first time, watch first words and steps, to be a mentor and protector, to watch it grow and become the person he or she is meant to be. My future shows a family... one that I hope to someday meet.

This current cycle was one hurdle after another that has worn me to the core and I am beginning to question whether it was the right time to try again so hard. But I know that once this weekend rolls around and a new cycle starts, it will be with renewed hope. A completely unmedicated and unassisted cycle is in great need. We deserve to be parents and we cling to the belief our baby is out there. But while we are putting the "trying" in second place for this month, it will give us the chance to put "us" first.

cautious optimism with a side of fear

My first and second IUI consisted of 9 days of stimulation followed by progesterone suppositories for the second part of the cycle. This cycle is already on day 15 of stimulation and the prospect of intramuscular progesterone daily scares the hell out of me. The IUI is finally forecasted for Thursday or Saturday given the dominant follicle is nearly 18mm and 2-3 are close behind.

Lord knows I will stick with whatever I need to do to maintain my own version of comfort, sanity, and sense of self-control of an otherwise uncontrollable situation... but the drugs are beginning to physically make me exhausted, nauseous and bloated. Emotionally, I continue to focus on the end result with a fantastic set of follicles developing. On the flip side, I am still scared to death that even if we are fortunate enough to conceive this time... will my body fail me again? Chromosomal reports revealed a perfect 46XX karyotype-meaning a perfect girl. Now I know there is the chance that the sample analyzed is of my own tissue and not of the embryo, but it is all I have left to cling on of my baby. It is all that remains from what all seems like a dream now. I think there is some comfort in believing that heartbeat belonged to our little girl.

The heart is willing and the body ready. I just need to find the confidence and positive attitude...

just how many is too many?

So after getting the go-ahead to take the fun injectibles, my last appointment yielded a hefty possible 11 follicles. Although they are all 6-8mm right now and need to get much larger before being in the final follicle count, the truth is, all 11 could choose to grow - and that is bad. No RE in their right mind would throw caution to the wind and give an IUI to someone with 11 potentials for fertilization. Now this would be fantastic for an IVF cycle, but there is no possible way we will ever be able to swing the cost of one of those (but we did enter to win a free IVF cycle, just on the off-chance our luck shifts).

It feels like the hurdles continue to be put in front of me. First the miscarriage, then the cyst-and now too many follicles! Things certainly were more expected and normal pre-drugs and pre-conception. The one thing that is constant now is the frustration. My estrogen is too low, forcing higher FSH to be needed-and with higher FSH comes the possibility of too many follicles maturing. The conundrum...

I hope tomorrows early morning appointment gives some positive news and shows 3-5 strong follicles and the others have taken a back seat.

today i give thanks for...

...an incredibly understanding and supportive husband-otherwise our journey would be so much harder to bear.

my decision

I have chosen to give myself the honor of being called a mother, if only in my heart. I will not shout it from the mountaintops or expect to celebrate Mother's Day like many would. In my heart, where my baby's memory lives, is where I will celebrate. After all, we worked so hard to get this far. That little one deserves to be remembered by those who wanted it in their arms. This is why it hurts so much-because we loved so much...